he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
