I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize