Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
