I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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