sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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