I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
