dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
