So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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