Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
