What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
