if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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