do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
