Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
