then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
