I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
