Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?

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(404): View more from Georgia

My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."

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(410): View more from Maryland

So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits

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(310): View more from California

I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.

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(512): View more from Texas

There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.

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