Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
