Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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