Got a toothbrush?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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