the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
