Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
