nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
foreskin is a definite game changer
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
