Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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