I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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