he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Pooping to opera.
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