There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
