It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
In America we eat man semen.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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