I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
