did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
