I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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