You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
