I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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