She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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