before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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