Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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