I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
