Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
