cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
