i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize