On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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