You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
