lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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