I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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