You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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