I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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