i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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