I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
