I looked at my own cervix.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
