After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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