all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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