cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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