my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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