apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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