How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
