Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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