I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
