It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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