Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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