So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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